The Exposition of an Existential Crises

When I was 38, I went to watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I can’t tell you how much it upset me. I cried bitterly towards the end of the movie and carried on crying for at least 2 weeks afterwards. It put me in a weird space. I became depressed, but not really, more like a severe melancholy. (I am generally melancholic anyway)

At the time, I wasn’t sure why the movie affected me so profoundly and I spent many hours speculating about the reason. I eventually decided that I was suffering from an existential crisis. This stayed with me for months.

Now, 3 years later, I am starting to understand what really happened to me and I think that this is a natural process that all human beings go through.

We also call it a midlife crises.

Continue reading

The Danger of Raising Your Children in Fear.

When I was in labour with my second child I was terrified. My firstborn was a ceaser because she was breach and I was determined to have natural birth this time around. My Gyne was really cross about it and tried to bully me, but I was insistent.

It was probably the most traumatic and painful experience I have ever lived through.

My third child’s birth was also natural, but this time I was like Superwoman. I breathed through the pain and delivered an abnormally happy baby. (referring here to heartrate and other indicators )

The midwife was uber impressed.

Why was I able to do it again and better?

Because the second time around, I knew what to expect and I was not afraid.

Fear is the most paralyzing, painful and debilitating emotion.

Evil all around us?

When I was a young woman, I went to visit a relative who had two small sons. She told me at the time that they were not allowed to watch anything on TV with martial arts in it, so no Power Rangers, Ninja turtles etc. Why?

It was evil.

Never mind that this is absolute nonsense, I was stunned that someone would consciously raise their children in fear. She was sending her children a message ‘ to be afraid of the world, because evil lurks in it everywhere. Anticipate evil in everything and everyone. Albert Einstein said that one of the most important questions you will ever ask is whether the universe is a friendly place.

I don’t want my children to be paralyzed by fear. So I have made a conscious effort in raising my children differently. To teach them that pain is ok, it happens and it doesn’t have to be traumatic.

Continue reading

Tao and the psychology of transformation

When I was doing research recently about Taoism, I was astounded at how civilized China was in the 11th century BC.

They were the first government to print paper money, they had invented gunpowder, used a compass to derive true north and had a permanent navy. They printed books and the people were well educated. Women were respected and ran their own successful businesses. There were retirement villages and public clinics supported by a social welfare infrastructure. They traded iron, silk, velvet and porcelain.

Thinking about the various great civilizations in history, it seems that once a nation reaches their pinnacle of civilization, it somehow collapses. This made me wonder what it is that destroys civilizations that are flourishing.

Then I received an email (synchronistically) which spoke about Alexander Fraser Tytler, Scottish historian and professor who wrote several books in the late 1700s and early 1800s. What he had to say was this:

‘Great nations rise and fall and when they fall there is always a dictatorship that follows:
The people go from bondage to spiritual truth,
From spiritual truth to great courage,
from courage to liberty,
from liberty to abundance,
from abundance to selfishness,
from selfishness to complacency,
from complacency to apathy,
from apathy to dependence,
from dependence back again to bondage.’

Currently, a lot of Western Countries, especially in Europe, lie in the region of apathy and dependence, so according to this cycle, they are well on their way to bondage. By contrast, there have been a few countries, e.g. Libya who has now shaken off dictatorship, so they would be right at the beginning of the cycle. Here in South Africa, we are somewhere between liberty, abundance and selfishness (depending on geographics and political affiliations ). So we still have a way to go.

Of course, the real question is, are we as the human race ever going to be spiritually or emotionally evolved to stop this cycle? Surely the humanitarian goal is for the whole world to be somewhere between liberty and abundance.

Continue reading

The Great Lie

Do you believe a man can escape his destiny?

I believe a man does everything he can until his destiny is revealed to him.

Nathan Algren, The Last Samurai.

As long as I live I will never forget the line or the sentiment. I believe it expresses something profoundly important about living authentically and with courage.

I want to share with you a small part of what it takes to ‘do everything you can until your destiny is revealed to you,’ and why it is worth doing.

Consider…

In the not too distant future you are going to die.

Let us imagine the scene for a moment. A funeral of some sort, flowers ‘usually not the prettiest, funeral wreaths rarely are, a few words of comfort to those you have left behind spoken by some religious representative- probably someone you have never met before, and then a tearful eulogy by a friend or family member.

They will either bury or cremate your corpse.

Dust to dust as they say…

And then it will all be over; at least for you.

The rest of us will carry on alright, we may think of you or a kind word may be said in your memory (or not so kind ). Life will go on, the world will keep turning. The only difference being you will no longer be around.

Why do I share this somewhat macabre and slightly depressing, although it must be conceded all too true, image, with you, you ask?

I share it with you not to distress you, although it is distressing, but because I want to encourage you to see through the veil of illusion. Only when you tear from your eyes the illusion- that everything is alright, that you needn’t become distressed, that this story has a happy ending, is it possible to truly live.

It has been said (I forget by whom) that the only way we can live is in denial of death. I suggest the opposite; the only way you can live is in the full awareness of your death. And it is imminent, whether it happens today, tomorrow (both possible naturally) or sixty years from now.

Carpe diem my friend, carpe diem.

‘So what?’, you might ask, ‘How does knowing this change the way I live my life? How can I be more faithful to myself, live more truly, sincerely, passionately and fully than I already am?’

Well you are in a better position to answer that question than I am, seeing as it is your life. However I will make one suggestion.

Stop believing the great lie!

What is the great lie?

The great lie is what you hear every day when you listen to your colleagues, when you chat to your friends, when you listen to the car radio or sit in front of the TV having supper with your spouse, listening to them telling you what you should do, what you should think and what your life should look like.

The great lie is what you see every time you turn on the television, surf the web, read the newspaper or page through a glossy magazine. And you are informed about the ‘way things are’, what the future holds in store, where the world is going, and why you absolutely must have the latest fashions.

The great lie is when people tell you, ‘you are not being reasonable’, that there is an accepted norm for behaviour and you are not conforming to it, more than that, that there is a normal way of thinking and being in the world and you are not being that, or are somehow less than that…

The great lie is that

You need to be educated, get educated or are educated,

You need to get a job, or do your job, or be your job,

You need to get married, stay married or be married.

You need to get ahead,

Have children,

Save money,

Go on holiday,

Donate to charity,

Become spiritual,

Save the environment,

Wash the dishes,

Mow the lawn,

Grow old,

Go to church,

Be good,

Take out insurance,

The great lie is that you life is a limited enterprise.

The great lie is that your time is best spent in a specific way doing what others have decided for you, in advance, without your explicit consent.

The great lie is that others know better than you and can show you ‘the way’. My dear friend these others are just as lost as you, just as afraid and just as confused. But something they figured out was that by telling you they know, they are able to manipulate you, to recruit you and to engage you in their projects. Possibly you are familiar with this little trick and use it yourself to some effect…

A litany of ideas, concepts, morals and mores are recruited to make you comply, too many to list. Generally speaking though, they work by telling you how you should think, behave and be in the world, both publically and privately.

Is there a meaningful alternative to submitting to this manipulation?

What are your alternatives?

Is there any way to escape this ubiquitous manipulation short of moving to the proverbial dessert island, or living in a cave? And after all, does one not have to comply to a greater of lesser extent in order to simply survive in society?

I concede that these are not easy questions with simple answers.

What I do believe though is firstly, you should not let the bastards grind you down .

And secondly, there is a meaningful alternative to believing the great lie. In fact not only do I believe this, but we have fairly irrefutable proof of another way of being. Let us consider for a moment a few people who didn’t buy into the great lie.

Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela the first president of a democratic South Africa, Nobel Peace Prize Winner, awarded over 250 peace and humanitarian prizes, one of the greatest humanitarian figures of the 20th century and the principle reason South Africa made the transition to a democracy in 1994 without a bloody revolution.

Mandela (or Madiba as we call him ) didn’t believe the lie that a black man was somehow inferior to a white man or less deserving of the same basic human rights. For not accepting the lie he nearly paid the ultimate price- his life. As it turned out he changed the future of fifty million people in a single generation.

Albert Einstein the greatest scientist of the 20th century and contender for one of the greatest minds ever who single handedly changed the face of modern physics. He didn’t believe the lie that space and time were absolutely objective conditions of the cosmos. He resisted this lie in the face of rather convincing intuitive and empirical evidence to the contrary.

Jane Austen author of Pride and Prejudice, Mansfield Park and Emma, among others, who went on to become one of the most widely acclaimed and read authors in English literature. Ms. Austen never believed the lie that woman were not meant for great things in the world and that it was best left to their far more capable husbands. She believed in herself and her talent at a time when for a woman to be a ‘serious writer’ was considered a ludicrous idea.

Ludwig van Beethoven, arguably the greatest musical composer of all time who never believed the lie that a deaf man could not compose music.

The list goes on, Sir Isaac Newton, Emily Bronte, Vincent van Gogh, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Sigmund Freud, Rene Descartes, Karl Marx, Alexander the Great, Florence Nightingale, Mother Theresa, Joan of Arc.

What all of these people had in common was an abiding faith in their inner genius in the face of other’s telling them that they couldn’t, shouldn’t or wouldn’t be able to accomplish what they set out to.

I believe you too have the right to decide what you are capable of.

I believe that you have the right to decide what is right and what is wrong for you, to make your own choices and even your own mistakes. I believe this is your inalienable right as a human being. You can and should choose your life path. It is your life that is on the line, not mine or anyone else’s.

I believe you have the capacity for love, compassion, kindness and beauty. I don’t believe you need anyone (including me) to teach you these things. Only that you need to see through some stuff that may have led you to imagine that you are anything less than this.

I believe you should live as you were born to live, proud and free. Stand tall and live a life that is a testament to your divinity and humanity. A life that shouts out at the world, at the cosmos and the great unknown- this is me, I choose life, courage, hope, joy and freedom! And I do this in the face of all the uncertainty, challenges, resistance and hardship that life brings along with its great gift.

I believe that you should muster every resource at your disposal, mount your own shoulders in the absence of a ladder, and imagine with all your heart a bigger dream for yourself than the one you have been sold.

I believe you should not allow the great lie to stop you from realising your destiny.

That is what I believe, what do you believe?

Namaste,

Stephen

How do you recognize your destiny?

I don’t know about you, but when I hear the word ‘Destiny’, it completely intimidates me.

What? Am I supposed to save the world or sacrifice myself?

I remember as a small child in Sunday school being totally freaked out by the minister. He said ‘God has already ordained your destiny and when he calls you, you must answer, because not answering will render your life useless! You will never succeed at anything else but God’s will.’ Hectic!

This had a profound impact on me ‘ would God call me to do something that I didn’t want to do? (like becoming a nun, even though I wasn’t Catholic! )

Bottom line is that my relationship with the idea of Destiny is not a good one.

How does one start to even imagine your destiny. How I envy people who seem to have been born knowing exactly what they want to be one day. Or people with natural talent and ability ‘ their destiny just unfolds in front of them.

How do you recognize destiny when it presents itself? Which opportunity that comes your way will unlock your destiny. How do you know which of your talents are supposed to unlock your destiny?

What must the impact of your destiny be on the world? Does destiny require enormous talent, or passion, or dedication?

I have thought about it at length, but I don’t know’.

For years I have been searching for this thing ‘ this destiny or passion that I am supposed to find and it would make me express myself and become someone who makes a difference. But I have no idea how to go about it.

What about passion?

Yip, doesn’t that irritate you? It bugs me badly when I hear people talking about passion. Oh, just follow your passion and your destiny will unfold! Or, don’t focus on making money, just follow your passion and money will realize itself! And so it carries on’

What is passion anyway? How passionate do you have to get about something to realize that it is passion you are feeling? Does it have to border on fanaticism to be passion? Should the fervor sweep you away, compel you to act?

Well, for me personally, I still haven’t figured out what my passion is, so if someone could let me know and then I can just pursue it and everything else will fall into place ‘

And then there is also the small matter of meaning

You create the meaning in your life. But for the purposes of this post, let’s look at meaning from a different angle.

Do you add meaning to the world?

I think that this is a requirement to fulfilling your destiny. So how do you add meaning to others? Do you add meaning to humanity? Do you add meaning to your environment? Are you doing this out of love and/or care or are you sacrificing yourself to give meaning. Is sacrifice a pre-requisite to adding meaning? Can you be happy in adding meaning or is it a serious pursuit?

So how exactly do you get onto the path that leads to your destiny?

An epiphany:

Stephen and I, inspired by the 30 day challenge, decided to do something cool every Thursday when we go on our date night.

So last Thursday we went to Tanz caf’ to watch Wonderboom. I didn’t know anything about Wonderboom, except that they’ve been around for a while. I wasn’t even sure what type of music they played, but we were going for different experiences and so I bit the bullet and booked.

They blew us away ‘ what an incredible performance!

Masters of their art. We were riveted, mesmerized and swept away by their absolute passion, skill and slick performance.

Whilst I was watching Wonderboom do their thing on stage, I was filled with envy and fascination. After we got home, I started thinking about what it was that they symbolized for me. Why were they able to affect me so profoundly?

These guys were completely present. They were 100% engaged in what they were doing. There were no hidden agendas, insecurities or doubt. Then it dawned on me’

They are living their destiny.

They are totally authentic and real. They embodied what I aspire to. A place where I am comfortable, unique, magical. Where passion and meaning are combined into an energy that profoundly impacts on others.

And perhaps the key to this place is in being in the moment. When you are swept away by what you engage in and totally there, totally real ‘ perhaps that is the way to your destiny.

Then I started thinking about the things that make me feel engaged and in the moment.

When Stephen and I discuss something psychological or philosophical, or when someone tells me their dream, or when I see beyond what a client tells me to what is really going on ‘ these things pull me right into the moment.

Revelation! These are the signposts on the path to my destiny!

What an incredible realization. I was overwhelmed. How many years of searching, thinking, crying, worrying about this thing called destiny! Is it possible that I have finally solved it for myself?

Your personal take

So perhaps you have a similar dilemma ‘ that you don’t know what your destiny is. Maybe this technique could help you realize where your destiny lies.

Think about what activities you do that pulls you out of your head and into the moment. Anything that you do that fully engages you. This could be the key to unlocking the path to your destiny. And it doesn’t have to be moving mountains. Your destiny is what defines you as being different to others. It is what makes you unique.

Your destiny is the true, authentic you that is waiting to be awakened.

Until next time
Anja

Eric the Vampire Viking: Man or Mouse?

Ok, I confess! Stephen and I love True Blood. (it is very psychological, OK!!!) We are currently watching Season 4; and oh what a disappointment!

Eric, Vampire, Viking….. hot, hot, HOT! Or rather he used to be… .

For those of you unfamiliar with ‘True Blood’ and the various characters, let me explain. Eric is over 1000 years old. He is a Viking made Vampire and he is BAD! Hot but BAD! And if your thing is bad boys, he is it.

But in the latest season, something happens and he loses his memory. All of a sudden, he is a wimp!

I am so over him now …

How incredible is it that this character that we have been watching for 3 Seasons and who has been so convincing, has completely turned around. The actor is obviously very skilled. Not only the actor, but his makeup, wardrobe, everything works together to project a completely different persona. And this is what I want to discuss in this blog ‘ the persona.

What is the Persona

The thing about Eric is that he used to walk with a certain swagger; a look in his eye, his hair was done a certain way, etc. Now all of a sudden he walks differently, his hair is boyish and that look in his eye has changed.

Slight differences, huge impact.

Another great example is in Beyonc’s video ‘If I were a boy’. The male actor in it is originally the ‘good guy’, but then turns into the ‘bad guy’. The video is 4 minutes long and when he turns bad, it is probably 1 minute of footage, but it is incredible! You don’t actually realise what he is doing differently, but your perception of him changes completely.

Hats off to all actors!

Just think about the TV shows ‘How do I look’ and ‘What not to wear’. Anyone who has ever watched any of these, realises that way you dress impacts on how people perceive you. We had lunch with friends who told us that they had been watching a show about ‘blind’ dating. The couple meet each other in pitch black darkness. They may get on like a house on fire, but once the lights go on, if they don’t like the look of the other person, they will not go on a date with them. This is the power of image and persona.

Persona is the archetype of the image you want to convey. It is the way you package yourself to the world outside.

It is the mask you wear.

Not everyone gets this right. Some people’s persona’s are a huge fail. I am sure you have a few of those in your personal circle of friends! Just think of some of the profile pictures on Facebook for example.

Why have a persona?

The persona is an essential tool that we require to interact on a social level. It is not really for you. It is for others. It allows others to place you appropriately. It is not just the clothes you wear, or outer appearance, it is your attitude, what you talk about ‘ it really is how people perceive you.

It is a real skill to develop an effective and appropriate persona.

If you think of people in the entertainment industry, you get a good idea of how the persona operates.

Lady Gaga and the huge effort she puts into developing and maintaining her persona. Politicians; in South Africa a good example of really well developed persona is Julius Malema. He knows his audience and acts accordingly. Barack Obama’s persona is almost too good to be true. What about Mandela’s persona?

I know someone who has an incredibly well developed persona. He is very successful; financially well off, well groomed, driven, passionate, etc. But I still don’t know exactly what he does! Whenever I try and ask leading questions to try to find out, he talks so much and is so smooth that he baffles me. All I know is that it is in finance, bit of training, lots of innovation, he is in the know. This is the power of an effective persona. You buy into the person, before you have any actual experience of their proficiency.

To understand your own persona better, you can ask yourself a few questions:
‘ Is your professional persona and your social persona the same or different?
‘ Do you have different persona’s for different people?
‘ Do you adapt your persona to different social situations?
‘ Did you make a conscious decision to construct your persona, or did it happen spontaneously?
‘ If you had to change your persona, what would you add or take away?

If you want to succeed at what you do, you need to develop your persona to reflect that which you want to be recognised for.

The problem with the persona

Usually you develop your persona when you enter the ‘real’ world so to speak. When you embark on your career, you soon realise that people in your industry dress a certain way, speak a certain way, have similar belief systems, etc. You then (consciously or unconsciously) base your persona on all of this.

But how long are you going to keep that persona for? When is it due for an upgrade?

We don’t realise that the persona is a mask that can be changed or swopped or broken.

The real problem is when you identify with your Persona.

You become the mask you wear.

This is a trap which is very difficult to escape from.
For purposes of an example, I would suggest a doctor. He is a doctor, he identifies with this and that is what he is. His friends, family, everyone relates to him as the doctor. But that is not who he is. The doctor is his persona.
Once he was a young man named Derrick, who became a doctor. Now he is just the doctor. Derrick has been forgotten, repressed, put aside.

You can probably immediately think of a few people that you know who have identified with their persona.

There is nothing else there.

They are that persona at work, home, with friends, even when they are alone.

This can cause big problems. The ‘real’ repressed person, shut down behind the mask, starts wreaking havoc. We all know of a public persona who suddenly behaves in a very inappropriate way ‘ get caught with their pants down so to speak. This is typical of the revenge of the repressed individual. Some crises will present itself in order to balance the personality of the individual. This crisis often causes the proverbial ‘midlife’ crises, which is an unconscious attempt of the individual to reconnect with their authentic selves. Unfortunately, because it is unconscious, it often does not result in a successful outcome.

The ultimate goal for the Jungian is to develop a consciously constructed and effective persona to act as a bridge between their authentic inner being and the outer world.

So the question is this:

Does your persona work you?

Until next time
Anja

Unfortunately…it seems We Will Have to Kill the Child

I don’t know about you, but I truly love children. Of course I love my own children, but beyond them I love children generally. Children possess a humanity which is absent in most adults. They know how to love, how to laugh, how to cry, and perhaps most importantly how to play. What is life, after all, if we’re not at play.

Sometimes I encounter kids who seem like little adults, embedded in reality; or as Freud would put it, living according to the reality principle. At a young age they already seem to have lost touch with the realm of magic and of play. But that is quite rare, most kids still have this gift, at least until their teens.

Then beyond the physical child, as much as I detest clich’s, I admit I care deeply about my own ‘inner child’.

Let me explain… (And please stay with me here )

I truly loved my father and he loved me. He loved a child called Stephen, and as anyone who is a parent knows this is a deep and un-abiding love.

For me, in turn, my dad was the whole world. It was as though he contained the world rather than it him. God knows he wasn’t perfect, but it was his very imperfections which made him so luminous, so real. He came to represent for me what it meant to be a human being.

He was a beacon of sanity in the sea of life by which I could find my way.

I lost him about nine years ago, and it was really tough to see him go….

But once he died, I consciously internalised his love. My love for him, and the respect I held him in, meant I had a responsibility, to him, to truly love myself as he had loved me. In doing this, I became, so to speak, my own father. So I can say I am now both father and child to myself, and in so far as I am father, my internal image is moulded on my real father who deeply loved his child Stephen.

And in loving Stephen the child I swore an oath of allegiance to him, not to forget his hopes, dreams, and desires. And never to lose touch with the sense of adventure and play.

By now you may be wondering about the title of this post, well you see this is where things become a little unpleasant….

WHO IS UP FOR SOME INFANTCIDE?

The most exciting Jungian thinker alive today, for my money anyway, is Wolfgang Giegerich. I had the unequalled honour of meeting him recently. I am currently reading the third in his series of collected English papers Soul Violence.

Giegerich makes the point that the Jungian project is a twofold endeavour. The apprentice piece is the shadow work, and the master piece is the work on the anima/animus ‘ the souls own other. These are, in Jungian terms, the foundation of psychology and psychological thinking.

However before we can enter the realm of psychology proper, or at least psychological consciousness, we need to kill the child. Whilst a childlike conscious is present in the psyche the adult remains unborn and the realm of psychology remains out of reach.

Now you may be thinking this is a little melodramatic. After all can we not rather say let’s integrate the child- rather than ‘kill’ him or her?

Well frankly no, not according to Giegerich anyway. You see it is the death of the child that fertilises the birth of the adult. We need a clean cut, a real break with the past.

We cannot allow yesterday (and yesterday’s dreams) to dictate today.

One of the great losses of modernity, particularly post-modernity, is the loss of rituals which demarked the two distinct domains child and adult. Rituals which were designed to bring an end to the enchanted state of childhood and prepare the initiate for entry into the secrets, protocols, and responsibilities of being an adult. There loss sees the child grow older in years but not take the significant step into a new paradigm, anew and adult way of encountering the world. The recent rioting and ongoing issues with youth discipline in the UK are, at least in part, a symptom of this failure in modernity.

FOUR INDICATORS OF THE CHILD ARCHETYPE

Giegerich provides four broad ways in which we can identify the way of being on the world of the child archetype. Go through this list and consider if any of these describe you or are present in your life.

1. Innocence, protectedness, babe-in-the-woods, unwoundedness, harmlessness.

The idea here is that whilst living in the garden of Eden we remain children in way of being if not our age; prior to suffering the inevitable wounds of adulthood, and encountering evil in the world and in ourselves. It is only once we leave home, and lose our status as little princes or princesses, encounter the limitations of the world and in ourselves that we can grow up.

2. Selfishness, self-centeredness, narcissism.

This I think is self explanatory, narcissism in a youth is appropriate and appealing but not in an adult, adulthood entails transcending our ego centred consciousness.

3. Living a life based on desire rather than duty, a life as yet untouched by responsibility.

Responsibility in this sense can be responsibility to others, to a position of trust, to a set of principles by which you live your life. But it is something beyond the pleasure principle, it is the way you define yourself in the world. A life which is not lived in service of a principle of some kind remains still born, the self can only be said to emerge when we stand for something and live our lives in service of that which we stand for.

4. Embedded in meaning, the uroboric state.

Living in a myth which is not of your own creation, the perception of objective meaning, the idea common to childhood and youth of knowing the meaning and purpose of existence, be it based of religion, politics, or culture. Only the rude eviction from this state of grace allows genuine adult consciousness to emerge.

It is only once the initial myth has been cracked, allowing you to see through the veil of illusion that the journey to real meaning and discovering your personal myth can begin.

Once we grow up, and leave the child behind, we are ready to cross the threshold into psychological consciousness. As our bodies and minds evolve so too should our spirits. The spirit of the child is ready for childlike things, but for you and I to take the next step in our spiritual evolution we need to temper our spirit in the fire of true adult consciousness.

I leave you with a quote from The Wonder Years

Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what’s to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn’t have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves… for growing up.

Have you completed the transition from childhood to adulthood?

Do you believe this is an essential step in your personal evolution?

Until we meet again,

Stephen

Why Dont You Act like Youve Got a Pair: or, How to Find Your Inner Cowboy.

Once a long, long time ago in a land far, far away there was a particular type of man. A man who lived life as if he had a pair. This truly was an exotic creature, not to be confused with your garden variety metro-sexual.

I speak of a man that is not some lily livered, hormonally imbalanced, girl man. A man who measured himself by how he crushed his enemies underfoot, how many women he had taken to his bed, and how much gold he had in his vault. The antithesis of the modern domesticated man, who has been broken in by a million bra burners, who had his spirit crushed by the irrepressible, unstoppable onslaught of modern culture.

I speak of a man who had the courage to dream, and to wrestle his dream from a savage land.

Before you get your knickers in a knot, don’t worry, I’m not for a moment suggesting this man still exists. God knows if he did, we would stamp him out before you have a chance to say supercalafragilisitc-politically-incorrect gender-equality-rise-the-moffie-expialidocious.

All I’m really saying is that once the idea of such a man existed.

If you would like to see a vague shadow of what such a man may have looked like watch the series Deadwood.

Anyway, why you ask would I supposedly an enlightened,( i.e. new age) person mention such a thoroughly reprehensible character as this crass, uneducated, misogynistic, short sighted, racist, as was embodied by the man who ‘conquered the wild west’.

Only my sisters, to ask a simple question despite all evidence to the contrary, is there something we may learn from such a man?

And to suggest, with some trepidation, that yes indeed, perhaps there is something we can learn from him- this was a man who carved path for himself in a violent, unfriendly, and savage land. A path that now we use to tread on his image and to scorn his memory- fittingly mind you I wouldn’t that it were otherwise, I only seek to make the point that maybe, just maybe, he still has something to teach us.

What is it that defined such a man, bestowed on him the title, a man of action?

Was it perhaps his cowboy walk, or his cowboy talk? Although these do have a certain romantic allure, I would say no, it was rather…

The ability to make decisions.

If there is one thing we can learn from our mythical cowboy, it is the ability to make a choice decisively, even when, or perhaps particularly when, faced with a really tough choice. And it is this, rare as it is, that even today separates the giants from the rest of us.

This ability, be it a natural talent, acquired through necessity, or learned through the best education, is what distinguishes the most dynamic personalities, those who ascend to the lofty heights of success such that we cannot but admire their achievements.

Don’t get me wrong, naturally courage, tenacity, talent, and desire too are essential qualities of success. But if you are making decisions and living those decisions on a regular basis, as life and circumstances demand, then in all likelihood you already posses courage, tenacity, and desire. Talent is God given and as such we need not worry about it, let’s focus rather on what we can influence.

So what do we mean by making decisions?

Are we not making decisions every day? Well yes in a sense we are, if you consider choosing whether to eat a hotdog or a hamburger, whether to use ketchup of tomato sauce, to watch MTV of VH1, to buy Cosmopolitan of Marie Claire, to use Google Chrome or Internet Explorer a decision.

But the decisions I am referring to here are rather of the kind which significantly change your life, the lives of those around you, and the direction you are travelling in this world.

The kind of decisions where once made there is no going back.

The kind of decisions where one of two choices you had, prior to making the decision, dies.

I particularly emphasise this because I once heard an interpretation of the difference between choices and decisions at some new-age-hocus-pocus-do that choices, unlike decisions, don’t destroy any options. That may or may not be true, but decisions definitely do destroy at least one option.

Why is it important to make decisions?

Every decision, once taken, creates new choices. And as you travel down your decision tree those choices become increasingly differentiated from the meaningless vanilla flavoured decisions at the start.

With each decision you are declaring yourself, your intentions, your purpose, your character, and the spiritual impulse you bring to the world. We must mould ourselves to the world as it presents itself to us. The world too, moulds itself to what we are and what we bring. The interaction works both ways.

To navigate this life, requires giving directions, and these directions are given in the form of decisions. Every decision you hand over sees a small portion of your inner light go out in the world, and conversely every decision you take sees it burn brighter.

Think about it like this: when you are not making decisions the stream of time sees you moving inexorably backwards in the direction it is flowing, Every decision you take sees you swimming forward against the tide. Entropy (the natural movement towards disorder) can only be countered with positive action; inaction will not do.

Each decision, once taken, opens up new paths, opportunities and possibilities.

So why is it so tough to make decisions?

Well it takes balls for one thing, and a mind for another; which is to say, you need courage and intelligence.

Ironically (in terms of the framing of this post) I would say it is woman who carry this archetype in the western world today, very few men have it. I suppose the decision to have a child, knowing what that entails, both the trauma of childbirth itself and a lifetime of sacrifice thereafter, requires not an inconsiderable amount of courage.

The easier option is to allow others, your family, loved ones, friends, employers, the government, circumstances, God even, to make the choice. Let’s face it if you choose then you are responsible, and you are the one we are going to blame, ridicule, demean, and denigrate, when your decision turns out to have been a poor one.

Far easier, when this happens, to have someone, something, some institution, or some supernatural force, to fall back on and blame for the unfortunate outcome.

Also to make meaningful decisions requires creating original choices. How the hell are any of us supposed to create original choices anymore, where is the space to do this?

No my sisters, today we have Facebook, Google, WWW, TV, and various other media which ensures that that the sacred cow of public opinion is broadcast daily and ubiquitously straight into our unconscious minds.

Yes straight to the unconscious control centre, bypassing any conscious critical faculty. Isn’t that wonderful…we no longer need to bother with decisions, they are all made for us.

We can exist trouble free in a state of liberating bondage, much like goldfish in a glass bowl, no worries, and no real choices .

Still, if you are some kind of neanderthal, maverick, or sick puppy, who doesn’t wish to conform to this dystopian vision of a global Wall Mart, then, well just then, I suppose you would have to make a few decisions.

If you do decide to go this crazy route, you’ll need to connect with your inner cowboy.

Via con dios,

Stephen.

Comfort Junkies beware! : The 30 day challenge

According to Rudolf Steiner the greatest obstacle modern man faces is the love of ease, or in modern terms, being a comfort junkie.

Now this really rang true for me because I am the ultimate comfort junkie. Don’t ask me to do anything out of my comfort zone, I will sulk. Of course this is really limiting, because I hardly ever challenge myself to do anything that lies outside my comfort and capability range.

Not to say that I don’t do things, I am quite capable and can do most anything. I have put up cornices, refurbished stairs, drilled, plastered and painted. All minor plumbing and electrical issues get fixed by me. I can knit, crochet, bake, mosaic, you get the picture . Also with the blog, I have taught myself a whole lot off the web about creating and embedding videos and using plug-ins etc. But this is the thing; I am good at this stuff anyway, so it is not really challenging.

It’s the stuff I am not good at that I avoid like the plague! I am sure a lot of people can empathise with me here; exercise; the bottom line is I hate sweating! I could get away with it when I was younger, but now that I have hit 40, it has become quite obvious that certain parts of my anatomy are not resisting gravity as easily as they used to . The other bane in my life is the garden. It needs work and attention, and although I have a gardener who comes twice a week, I cannot motivate myself to teach him to do what I want. But my main issue is that I simply don’t challenge myself.

If I think about the best experiences that I have had, involved being completely outside my comfort zone, like the time Stephen and I went to the Grahamstown festival. We took a bus and stayed in a school boarding house with communal bathrooms and at one restaurant we were served fish and steak that looked and tasted the same because it was covered in Aromat. Hectic! We recently went to Tofu in Mozambique and stayed in a little cottage with one shower and one gas hob and had to take a chappa that raced down the potholed roads like a Ferrari. It was fabulous and I loved it!

I was watching a video by Matt Cutts on TED talks. He was talking about the 30 day commitment to doing something new; or adversely retracting a habit from your life. I think this is a great idea to combat being a comfort junkie. So this started me thinking, what would I do for 30 days to challenge myself, or perhaps do something that I have always wanted to do, but haven’t had the time or drive to commit to it.

What I found particularly poignant, was when he mentioned that his days stopped being a blur and he could remember exactly when and where he was each day. This was, particularly, when he took a photograph a day for 30 days. Well this idea intrigues me, because my days are really a blur. Don’t ask me what I did last Wednesday, I would not know. Each day flows into the next and they are all the same. I would love to have my days be clear and different and distinct from the previous day.

So I started thinking about it and it turned out not to be that easy to think of something! The options that came to me were re-doing the flowerbed and repairing all the broken things in the house. Not really inspiring, just sounds like more of what I am doing anyway. I know I will eventually get to the garden, but would that take away the blur? No.

On Friday night we met Ryan and Cidalia (friends of ours) for supper at Life in Hyde Park, and I mentioned this idea to them and we started chatting about it (and being quite raucous judging by the reaction of the table next to us.) It was fascinating what came up for all of us. Ryan first said that he would like to go to the desert for 30 days and be by himself. Well needless to say, Cidalia glared at him, and, after pointing out to him that the idea was that he should do something that had to fit in with his current lifestyle, he decided to write 1 poem a day for 30 days with the goal of publishing them one day. Nice idea!

Cidalia thought that she would like to offer 1 hour a day to the teacher at school to replace her in class doing something that she could do. She got the idea from OZ, where parents have to contribute time to the school and wash windows and stuff. She also expressed an interest in writing a book about ordinary South Africans, by asking them 3 questions to get them to share their unique, amazing stories. She would then have to interview one person per day for 30 days. What a wonderful book it would make! Also a great idea!

Stephen wanted to challenge himself and do what does not come easily or naturally to him, so he decided to engage one person, a complete stranger, each day in a conversation for at least 10 minutes. He would have to keep trying if he gets rejected until he succeeded on each day. And as Ryan aptly pointed out it couldn’t be someone that is not intimidating at all, like the teller at the bank or the car guard.

Well for me it was really difficult to come up with something challenging. I don’t think doing some more of what I am good at is going to take the blur away. I could not come up with anything and decided to Google it. And I found one thing that I thought would be great, but it would be difficult for me to do, and that was to go to a different place each night for 30 days in a row. Can you imagine where you might end up once you have done the restaurant, movie, show, cabaret, club and art show! But I still have to think about what I am going to do and would love to hear some suggestions if you have any.

We all decided that we will start on the 1st of September and now that it is out there, we all had better stick to it. Expect a blog about it during September. Comfort Junkies beware! : The 30 day challenge

Why don’t you consider joining us on the 30 day challenge?

And as usual I will leave you with a quote:

Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore – Andre Gide

Anja

Do you know Right from Wrong?

During my anthroposophy class we discussed the concept of personal ethics. In Anthroposophy it is quite specific, in the sense that you need to act out of a position of love, which is selfless and has the other’s best interest at heart. Ok, this is an ideal that is obviously REALLY hard to achieve, but the bottom line is that your personal ethics have to act as the foundation of your psyche. Your intentions and decisions need to be rooted in personal ethics. (well at least that’s the Anthroposophical perspective)

Are ethics learnt?

What is interesting about personal ethics is that it is quite difficult to tell whether your ethics are personal or learnt. Of course your religion, community, family all instil certain ethics in you, but are those ethics really yours? Are they authentic to you? You know you shouldn’t commit adultery, because you have been taught that it is bad, but will that stop you? Here I would like to remind you of a specific religious leader (well known in SA) who had an affair and eventually left his wife. He was preaching all the moral ethics, but he himself did not follow them. Why? Is it enough to make a decision based on what you have been taught?

Another interesting question is whether you can consider yourself an adult if you are living your life according to ethics that you are parroting. I remember years ago working with a really young girl at ABSA who insisted that she could learn lessons about life from reading about it. I do not agree. You can’t possibly know what it is like to be drunk by reading what it is like in a book. Experience is the most powerful teacher. For example, I found out when I was 19 that Champagne and cheap red wine do NOT mix well. I definitely think that learning right from wrong is far more valuable when experienced.

Go wild

Both Jung and Steiner believed that you have to go through something to overcome it. Steiner suggested that between the ages of 18 and 25, you fully emerge yourself in living.

I know of a few people who did not do this and then end up at 40 hitting the clubs, popping E and getting pathetic glances from the young adults sweating around them. Or they find themselves in a midlife crises and end up having an affair with a ‘really’ young person, or buying something ridiculous to distract themselves with. So getting it all out of your system in your 20′s is a really good idea. What I do know is that most of us, go wild during our early 20′s and come through the other side ok and richer for it. Of course there are a percentage of those young people, who do not survive the experience intact. If I think about my own children going wild and partying, it certainly is dreadfully scary. But it will happen!

But where do you draw the line?

Stephen and I had a really good friend years ago, and her approach was that she had no lines. (i.e. that she wouldn’t cross) She was about thirty when we met her and in an unhappy marriage. She wanted to experience it all. Well, needless to say things did not go well… I think that personal ethics are your lines. And you need to be very clear on what they are and that they are authentic to you, because I suspect that learnt ethics are not strong enough to be rooted in the psyche.

So how do you develop personal ethics?

Keeping with the example of the adultery. Can you honestly decide that you will not commit adultery unless you have experienced it? And do you have to actually do it yourself, or is it enough to be the victim of it in some way. I don’t think there is a straight forward answer to this. If your dad was a serious adulterer, and the impact of it devastated your family, does that stop you from behaving that way? I don’t think so. I know of a number of people who simply repeat their parents example. So what is it then that builds personal ethics?

I would hazard a guess that it is consciousness. Putting the searchlight of consciousness onto your behaviour will certainly force you (or if not force strongly encourage ) to make an ethical decision about it. Once you are aware of something about yourself, you have to either accept it (and approve of it) or oppose it. You can’t brush it under the carpet again. (of course you can, but that in itself is accepting the behaviour). In psychotherapy, ultimately what happens, is that the therapist guides you to consciousness.

Only in consciousness can you accept yourself, only in consciousness can you oppose yourself, and only in consciousness can you change yourself.

Until next time,

Anja